I know this mess of a behavior pattern well since it used to be me.
I’m not proud to admit it, but used to joke that even though I lived somewhere nice, I would never let anyone see it because they might get too comfortable.
That way they can do the nitpick, doom, discard cycle because they can easily justify the breakup because of the other person’s “issue.” It’s all a cover for the fact that if they picked someone less flawed, they would have to admit that their string of failed relationships was actually their own fault.
It also lets them stall by offering a carrot— commitment— IF the other person promises to change.
That’s why it’s that much more important to catch the signs that your new love is allergic to any form of shared future before you fall hard for them and it’s too late.
The commitment-phobic is more likely to shy away from giving you a set time and date, preferring to do everything at the last minute— and conveniently giving them a convenient reason to pull away if it doesn’t work out.
It’s easy to be overwhelmed with the feelings that come with hot and cold behavior— but allow yourself a second to step back and consider what’s happening in the background to make you feel so crazy.
It very well could be your own insecurities, or it could be that you’re super on edge because of the way the other person pulls the hot and cold routine.
If you make an effort to create a plan with them but they “just want to be spontaneous,” consider whether there are other deeper factors at work.
To tease out the difference between real spontaneity and commitment phobic spontaneity, try mentioning gently that you need to pin down at least the time and date of your hangout so that you can plan for other things.
Watch for general paranoia and suspiciousness of other people’s motives.